maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
