I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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