My liver just broke up with me...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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