she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
