Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We just shotgunned beers for America
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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