apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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