i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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