How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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