that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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