i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
