i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
