my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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