i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
