At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
