dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
