my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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