I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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