dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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