got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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