Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
