I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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