My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
