Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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