Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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