Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
