my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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