Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
