Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
