Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
