I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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