Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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