I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
