You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize