Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
