I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
