you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
