So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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