Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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