Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
