i wish my penis had a tongue
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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