I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
