Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
