She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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