I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
