I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
