What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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