he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize