seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
