beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
