its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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