she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
