shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
