So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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