No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
