Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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