I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
