How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
