between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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