Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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