Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just high enough for therapy.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
