God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
