My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
