I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
did i just pee glitter
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
