I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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