Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
