why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
