Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
