im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
