I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
